


Solace is All I Can Offer (After the Tears and Trials)

by SokkaWithHisHairDown



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Gaius is a Good Parent, Gen, Gwen is a Good Friend, How Do I Tag, I found this in my google docs at 1:00 am, Kinda, Magic Revealed, Post-Canon, Post-Episode: s05e13 The Diamond of the Day, Sad Merlin, You might cry, and i was like woah, i mean assuming this isnt shit, not exactly, so im posting it, sorry for the angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:27:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27008830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SokkaWithHisHairDown/pseuds/SokkaWithHisHairDown
Summary: He’d never experienced this sensation so strongly before. It was like a dream (or nightmare, rather) that was unspeakably dreadful, primarily because he knew that it wasn't a dream at all. In fact, he’d go through this over and over and over again if he had the assurance that when he awoke, Arthur would be there, teasing him on how lazy and good-for-nothing he was, or yelling at him for missing a spot when polishing his armor, or doing any old thing a cabbagehead like Arthur would do.“Merlin, you’re doing it again. I really do advise some rest.”Before he could nod or speak, Merlin collapsed from fatigue.
Relationships: Gaius & Merlin (Merlin), Gwen & Merlin (Merlin), Previous Merlin & Arthur
Comments: 8
Kudos: 41





	Solace is All I Can Offer (After the Tears and Trials)

**Author's Note:**

> Who would have thought my first posted Merlin fic wouldn't be Merthur? Anyway, I didn't put major character death as the archive warning because no one dies *in* the story, and also, it's not exactly a surprise. This is Diamond of the Day Pt. 2 aftermath. Hope you enjoy this gen fic:)

Never in his life had Merlin felt like this. Not really.

When Will died, when Freya died, when his father died… none of it was even remotely close in comparison to the weight in his chest; the churning and despair in the pit of his stomach was unsettling and detestable. Insistent.

If shouting hysteria were an option, Merlin would have taken advantage of it. But his throat had already been screamed and cried raw, and now he had to suffer silently as he trudged back through the gates of Camelot, two horses and one king short.

Gaius ran out to meet him, quickly gathering Merlin’s defeated and worn frame into his arms. The boy looked utterly exhausted, like he might collapse if a butterfly dared land on his shoulder. Gaius suspected for a brief moment that it was from the long journey on foot (seeing as the horses were gone), but then, with great bitter sorrow, realized that Arthur was nowhere to be seen.

He squeezed Merlin a little tighter.

******************************

As promised, Merlin’s favorite meal was waiting for him in the physician’s chambers, where he was taken with haste as word was sent to Gwen about Arthur’s—

He couldn’t bear to even think it.

But the thought of eating at a time like this repulsed Merlin—he was unable to comprehend ever being hungry again. Not when all of Camelot was celebrating that all had not been lost, when really it had.

Merlin had lost  _ everything _ .

_ Merlin. _

It sounded selfish and stupid when he said it. He had a home, and food, and the gift of incredible magic, but none of it mattered anymore. He might as well just not’ve come home, he could— _ should _ have just stood in the woods until the wolves found him or starvation took him.

_ Merlin? _

He’d rather that than live in his own personal hell—a world where Arthur was gone and he lived on.

“Merlin! Can you hear me, boy?” Gaius’s voice broke through, concern pooling in his eyes as he bandaged a wound Merlin had sustained on his arm.

The servant (servant to whom, though? He had been Arthur’s servant. He had been Arthur’s. And Arthur had been  _ his _ .) turned his head numbly to meet Gaius’s gaze with his own dead, tired variation.

“You’ve barely said a word, Merlin. I think it’s best if you eat and get some rest.”

Merlin squeezed his gray eyes shut tightly (they’d once been blue—once had life, but they’d changed, and heaven knew if they’d ever be the same) and shook his head. “No…”

“Merlin-”

“I said  _ no! _ ” Merlin suddenly shouted, eyes flashing an icy gold and sending Gaius stumbling back, almost falling over.

In an instant, Merlin’s rage passed and he scrambled to his feet. “Gaius! I didn’t-I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” His voice was cracked and horrified at himself.

“No, no, it’s alright,” Gaius insisted, steadying himself. “It’s alright, Merlin, just…” he held out his hand, likely to help himself regain balance, but Merlin couldn’t help but feel like it was a defensive move. Why in all  _ hells _ had he done that?

“I’m sorry,” he found himself still mumbling. He wasn’t sure how many times he’d said it. He was so spaced out—detached. He’d never experienced this sensation so strongly before. It was like a dream (or nightmare, rather) that was unspeakably dreadful, primarily because he knew that it wasn't a dream at all. In fact, he’d go through this over and over and over again if he had the assurance that when he awoke, Arthur would be there, teasing him on how lazy and good-for-nothing he was, or yelling at him for missing a spot when polishing his armor, or doing any old thing a cabbagehead like Arthur would do.

_ Gods _ , Arthur, yell at me. Shout at me. Scream at me. Hate me forever, banish me, strike me with the hilt of your sword, threaten my life, say you’ll have me burned on the pyre, tell me I’ll rue the day we crossed paths, tell me you hope I rot in hell, that I suffer a death so painful it’ll make me wish I’d never lived at all, do anything, no matter how awful, because at least then I’d know you’re  _ alive— _

“Merlin, you’re doing it again. I really do advise some rest.”

Before he could nod or speak, Merlin collapsed from fatigue.

******************************

_ “Is he all right?” _

_ “He will be fine, physically. As for the mental toll, it’s difficult to tell. But I’m sure you understand that…” _

_ “Thank you, Gaius. You keep me hopeful.” _

_ “I’m glad I’ve been some help. I only wish I could do more.” _

_ “You’ve done plenty.” _

_ “...You seem rather set on seeing him wake up. Would you like to wait?” _

_ “If you don’t mind…” _

_ “Of course not.” _

Merlin could tell it was Gwen speaking to Gaius. No one else was as patient or gentle as she. She was to be queen (Merlin tried not to think about why) and she still awaited Merlin’s waking. Why should she wait for him now? She was no longer a handmaiden. No, she waited because Merlin was her friend. He always had been.

Gwen, your soul’s kindness was unmatched.

That was when Merlin’s eyes fluttered open and he began to feel that weight in his chest again.

“Merlin?”

He craned his neck to see Guinevere on a chair by his bed.

“Gwen…”

He was suddenly enveloped in a hug, which he returned. His strength seemed to be back, that was something.

Gwen didn’t seem to mind that Merlin was wrinkling her velvety red dress.

“Gwen, I’m sorry,” Merlin apologized before he could even fully contemplate what for. His voice sounded so pathetic, it was pitiful.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Gwen whispered, tears escaping her eyes as she spoke, “you did all you could. That, I know.”

“That isn’t true,” Merlin cried softly, “it’s not. I could’ve been faster, but I didn’t-I didn’t do what I should’ve done. And Arthur paid the price. He’d never forgive me…”

“Arthur cared for you more than he’d ever cared about any of his past servants, and he’s had lots. You were best friends. He knows what you did for him. What you’ve done for all of us. Camelot would’ve  _ fallen _ without you by now, I’m sure.”

Merlin pulled back a bit, eyes shining with confusion and slight shock. “What… what do you mean by that?”

Gwen was crying just as much as Merlin at this point. She wiped her eyes. “After all these years, I never realized… but then there was that sorcerer, and you had disappeared, and I knew you’d never abandon Camelot— _ Arthur _ in a time of need. Because I know you. You’ve never backed away from a battle.”

Merlin looked somehow distressed and relieved at the same time.

Gwen continued. “And-and Gaius told me that you were out looking for something that could save Arthur’s life, and I began to realize how it all connected. Merlin, you… you have done the absolute most for Arthur. More than anyone ever has before.” She gripped Merlin’s hand tightly. “And that’s how I know that you did the absolute most you could to save him. You always were stubborn.”

Merlin stared in disbelief, his expression broken and skin sallow. “So you’re not… angry? About me…?”

“That you have magic?” Gwen laughed emptily, still tearful. “ _ No _ , Merlin. I could never be angry with you. You only ever did what it took to keep your life. I probably owe you mine.”

Merlin began audibly crying now, relief flooding over him in waves. “I thought you’d hate me…”

“Did Arthur? When he found out?”

Merlin shook his head in lieu of an audible response. After a moment, he found it in himself to speak. “He did for a bit. When I first told him.”

“The truth is, Merlin,” Gwen squeezed his hand, “I can see that if someone as good as you can have magic, then magic isn’t what we thought it to be.”

Merlin smiled, even through the grief, and Gwen pulled him in for another hug.

“You and I, Merlin. We’ll fight through this.”

Merlin nodded and gasped, letting a smile seep through. “You and I.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are the only things feeding my life force right now so feel free to give them so as to prevent my soul from being dragged down to eternal damnation. Lemme know what you think!  
> P.S. Gwen owns my whole heart sfhgdjjk


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